Let Go and Let… Grandparents

Finn is a lucky boy. He’s got several grandparents that are absolutely, positively smitten. One of the most fun parts of parenting him has been watching our parents go all weak in the knees when they are around him. He’s totally got them all wrapped around his itty bitty finger.

Though, having grandparents around a lot (we’ve had 5 weeks of visitors in Finn’s 10 weeks of life), has its challenges, too. A lot of those challenges have to do with the fact that we’re cramming ourselves, Finn, four rabbits, two cats, and guests into a small, 2-bedroom garden apartment. Since our guest room is now Finn’s nursery–and since he’s now sleeping in his nursery–there’s just not much extra space for visitors.

We’ve got family sleeping on a blow-up mattress in our living room, y’all. It ain’t pretty.

But many of the challenges have resulted from the fact that Sona and I are both, each in our own way, total control freaks. She likes to keep a home in perfect order, and she’s a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning. And I like things to be done my way. Cause, you know, my way is better–right??? (I’m kidding.) (No, I’m not.) (I am, I am.)

Couple my control freaky-ness with my being a Mama Bear and–WHOA.

We both come by our neuroses honestly, as we’ve been pretty independent our whole lives. We’re also pretty independent in our parenting, and, since there’s no better environment for various opinions to breed than when a new baby enters into the equation, it gets tricky. Enter: baby. Enter: EVERYONE’S opinions about EVERYTHING.

As new parents trying to flex our own parenting muscles, Sona and I have really resisted–maybe too much, at times–letting others influence the way we want to raise Finn. We’ve read all of the books, spent hours on online forums, talked to his doctors, and fretted over what was best for him. I know that none of that holds a candle to actually having raised babies before, but our own parenting ways (I refuse to say “philosophy,” here) have evolved significantly–even in just the 2.5 months that Finn has been in our lives.

So, when grandparents have come, wanting to–with the best intentions–take over a bit, it’s been tough. There’s been more than one power struggle about the silliest things: how to change a diaper, what kind of lotion to use, how and when and where Finn should sleep, how and when and where we should sleep, etc. And then, there are the questions: “Are you sure I can’t hold him?” “Why are you letting him cry?” “Is he really hungry already?” “Are you burping him enough?” “Is that sleeping arrangement safe?”

And can we just talk about how often they insist that he is cold? You get the idea.

When you are giving 150% to raising a baby, and you’re exhausted from doing so, it’s sometimes hard not to read the deluge of opinions as criticisms, even when they aren’t meant that way.

And, what’s been even more trying than the suggestions, they want us to just let go and hand him over. Why wouldn’t they? He’s the most adorable squish in all the land, and they don’t see him nearly as often as they would like. Plus, they want to give us a break. They recognize that we’re tired and on edge and in need of some adult time, and they want to help.

But Sona and I have a pretty horrible track record when it comes to letting others, especially our parents, help. We already knew this was something we needed to work on, but that is becoming abundantly more clear with a little one.

So, we’re going to work on it. We’re going to work on letting go–no matter how much every cell is our body is conditioned to hold on to the reigns. It’s a balance, and we need to find it. We want our parents to respect the choices we’ve made for our son, but we also want them to feel like they have an important role in his life.

My mom is here now, visiting from Tennessee. I won’t lie: when she got here yesterday, I was immediately on edge. I wanted to scream: “But he’s MY baby! No–you can’t hold him the entire time that you are here. No–you can’t change his diaper; I’ll do it. No–you cannot put him to bed.”

Maybe I actually did scream some of those things.

Yet, it’s just not good for anyone, and it is especially bad for Finn. The truth is, neither Sona nor myself are very close to our families. We have pretty small circles, and we want Finn’s circle to be larger. We want, very much, for him to be connected to a large web of people who love him. And want what’s best for him. And want to change his diaper–just every now and then.

I’m able to right this blog post right now because my mom is in the back, rocking Finn as we get him ready for bed. I know I’m lucky–and he’s lucky–that she’s here.

Even if I did just tell her to “stop stimulating him.” Hey–baby steps. 🙂