It’s sharing my son that’s hard.
Today marks the beginning of Finn’s second week at the nanny share and my first week of classes. I had to be on campus for orientation, last week. So, Finn did three 5-hour “transitional” days. We wanted to be sure and ease him into it.
He did totally fine. Like, too fine. Like, I left thinking, “Shouldn’t you be screaming, now? Calling my name? Whimpering in despair?” No, he was happy as a clam to be with his sweet nanny and his new companion, Sidy. (I was also disappointed in how unenthusiastic he was about my coming to pick him up. C’mon, kid. At least ACT happy to see me!)
Really, though, I know these are good things. He’s well-adjusted and amenable and happy. Blah, blah, blah. I, of course, want him not to be able to survive without me. But that’s just my projecting.
I need him WAY more than he needs me. Even still, I’m handling his being with the nanny much better than I thought I would. It may have just been the anxiety of returning to work for the first time in months, but I’ve been so preoccupied with being back on campus that I haven’t really had much time to feel sorry for myself.
I know he’s well taken care of. I know he’s loved. I know we will all be okay.
The toughest part, actually, has been working him into my morning routine, which is usually pretty frantic. I am a sleep-until-the-last-possible-minute kind of gal. Couple that with a commute and, now, a baby who needs to be wakened, fed, dressed, and dropped off, and you get more than the average not-at-all-a-morning-person can handle. It’s been an adjustment, and I barely made it to my first class, this morning, but we’ll get the kinks worked out.
All in all, the transition into working again has, so far, been a lot smoother than we anticipated. It’s a new routine, and we’ll adjust to it–just like we have been doing again and again over the past several months.
Yet, as I confessed to a colleague/new mom today, I have a dirty little secret: If I could–if we were able to handle it financially and if my job awarded me the privilege–I’d stay at home with Finn a lot longer. That’s not something I ever thought I would say; I thought I’d be begging to go back to work. I love my job, after all.
But, no. No. My love for my job and my love for my students and my need for a career and a life outside of the house really pales in comparison to one thing: my love for Finn.
And so, there is some sadness, there. I missed out on 8 hours of Finn’s life today–8 hours! And it’s going to be pretty difficult to spend quality time with him on weeknights, as we’ll be in the workout/take care of the house/get dinner ready/get bottles made for tomorrow/breastfeed/shower/breastfeed/nighttime routine rush pretty much non-stop. That’s just working life with a baby, and we’re not exceptional in any way.
However, as happy as I am to get the many adorable photos that the nanny texts me throughout the day, I’m also jealous. She’s the one sharing those moments with him, and as lucky as we are to have her, I also kind of wish we didn’t need her.
Alas, we do! And so, I’ll have to get used to getting up WAY earlier, to letting someone else care for our baby, and to focusing on something other than sleep schedules. And Finn will have to get better at acting like he’s been longing for me all day.