[Insert a long and sorrowful explanation for why I haven’t blogged in over two months, here.]

Glad we got that over with. You know what’s a good entry back into the blogging world, especially when you’ve also been writing a 30+ page research project for the past week? A list!

So, here is our list of the dirty little parenting secrets that we don’t really want people to know about because: 1. they are pretty shameful; 2. they may cause people to question our son’s well-being; and 3. they make us seem like the laziest, most ill-equipped parents on the planet.

Still, I know we’re not alone, and I’m all for airing my dirty laundry. Here it goes:

1. Despite all of the best parenting advice that I’ve read in all of the best parenting books, I regularly bribe Finn to get him to cooperate. For example, at least three times a week, I have to offer him a sucker or a pack of jelly beans just to get coax him out of our bed, away from the iPad, and into the car for daycare drop-off.
2. Did I mention the iPad? Yeah, our son who lived a relatively screen-free existence for the first 1.5 years of his life has suddenly become OBSESSED with iPad games. I mean, it’s ridiculous. In a matter of days, he went from casually exploring the iPad to waking up and demanding “Pad!” the second we walk into his room. It is literally his first word every single morning. We’ve limited “Pad!” time to just 20 minutes or so after he wakes up, but he asks for it all day. He also knows how to access the app store. God help us.
3. We said we would never, ever allow devices at the dinner table, and he’s still never had them at home, but we’ve started breaking out the iPhone and letting Finn watch YouTube videos when he gets a bit antsy during restaurant excursions. It’s a slippery slope, I know, and I’m quite sure we’ll soon be those parents whose toddler stares zombie-like at a screen, Mountain Dew dripping down his chin and Cheeto dust coloring his fingertips. But if it affords me the extra 15 minutes to finish a meal in peace, I’m good with that.
4. Finn LOVES iced tea. And he likes coffee, too. If I make a Starbucks run, I try to get him water or milk or some other age-appropriate drink, but I also absolutely do not have the energy to resist his begging for our caffeinated beverages. You want to stunt your growth, kid? Go freaking wild.
5. We limit refined sugar during the weekdays. Finn doesn’t really get any “treats,” then, other than fruit or yogurt (oh, and those morning bribes). But on the weekends, all bets are off. It is not unusual for him to have donuts, cookies, and ice cream in the span of 48 hours.
6. I can’t tell you how many times–in the face of some kind of disgustingly atrocious behavior–I’ve just shrugged and thought, “Oh, well.” Dropped a straw in the dirt and then kept using it? Oh, well. Licked the playground equipment? Oh, well. Ate a fistful of cat hair? You get the idea.
7. We have not planned out Finn’s educational future. We live in Chicago, and preschool application is some urbanized version of the Hunger Games, but I don’t even know at what age preschool starts. True story. I will look into it, eventually…
8. While we’re on the subject of complete and utter denial, I have absolutely no intentions to actively try potty training this kid anytime soon. He’ll be two in August. Maybe we will try, then? He definitely has shown some signs of readiness: he asks to use the bathroom at daycare, he alerts the whole world that he has “poop poop” in his diaper, etc. But I have a lot on the agenda for summer, and chasing a bare-assed toddler around the house while he pisses all over our new wood floors is definitely not something I want to add to my list.
9. He is 22 months, and he still drinks from a bottle before bedtime. Nuff said.
10. I’m pretty sure we’ve brainwashed him into believing that he physically cannot get out of his crib until 8:00 in the morning. He’s always been a late sleeper. Until about 18 months, he regularly slept past 9:00. I think that’s because, when he was an infant and would wake at around 5 or 6 , I’d give him a bottle and then put him right back to sleep. Every single time. I’m pretty sure a lot of parents just assume that the 5 or 6 wake time is when their baby is ready to get up for the day, but I made it my life’s mission to convince Finn that–should he come out of his crib before 8:00 in the morning–the world would implode. So, he doesn’t question it. Even if he wakes at around 7:00, which he does sometimes, he just sits quietly, like he has an internalized version of one of those wake clocks. “Finn is up,” Sona and I will say to each other. And then we roll over and go right back to sleep.