Since we’ve had Finn, a lot of people have asked us some version of that question. We also get: “What’s been the worst part?” “Is it hard?” “How are you doing, really?”
While our older friends and family ask about us, too, these questions have mostly come from friends that are close to us in age–friends that either want to have kids soon or friends who decidedly don’t want children.
We are very lucky to have so many people who are sincerely concerned for us–people who want us to do well. But I know that a lot of those questions come from a place of curiosity, too. I know because, well, I wanted to ask the same questions before we had Finn. I also wanted to know just how much our lives would change.
And, of course, no answer could have prepared us for what was ahead.
Nonetheless, here’s what I’ve been telling everyone: it’s been both better and worse than I have expected.
Leading up to Finn’s birth, my biggest fear was how much the dynamic between Sona and I would change. We’ve been together for 14 years, and we were very much accustomed to being a duo. We were a team of two, and I loved that.
So, I was really worried about it not being “just us,” anymore.
I was also worried about losing our independence, which is really the factor most people fixate on when warning your about babies. “You’ll never be able to do [insert some fun, engaging activity here], again.” Sona and I like to do A LOT; we’re always trying a new restaurant, traveling somewhere, or exploring. And we were terrified that having Finn would put an end to all of that.
In both of those regards, having little Finn has been easier than I expected. As others have said, we are now a team of three. That happened naturally and almost instantaneously. When I want to stay home and be lazy with “just us,” I now mean me, Sona, and Finn. The dynamic between Sona and I hasn’t changed nearly as much as I thought it would, and I don’t feel any less close to her. In fact, I feel closer to her than I ever have.
Also, I’m surprised by how much I don’t feel like we’ve had to give up all of the living we like to do. Finn went to his first restaurant when he was just 5 days old. He’s been to a couple dozen since. Sure, we’re not going to eat late-night haute cuisine downtown, but we’re still trying new places, going for long walks, having coffee dates, going to farmers markets, having dinner with friends, and exploring the city. We’ve also planned a state-side trip in January and an international trip for March.
We just accept that, with Finn, these things will be different. We don’t go out to eat, expecting that Finn will behave perfectly every single time. We expect to eat with one hand, to get up and walk around the restaurant, and to feed him while we eat our own meals. There are other compromises we make, too, which I’ll talk about some other time, but the point is this: we don’t feel like we’ve sacrificed our lives at all.
But it’s not all roses, either. The sleeplessness is tough, sure. Though, I’m actually surprised by how much our bodies have just adjusted. I’m not nearly as tired as I thought I would be. (This has a lot to do, I’m sure, with the fact that we’ve both been on maternity leave. We just don’t have many other responsibilities, yet.)
The hardest part is always questioning whether or not we’re doing what’s best for him. Finn isn’t a perfect baby, and we’re not perfect parents. We try really hard to make all of the best decisions for him and to do right by him as much as possible.
Yet, there are plenty of days when he’s fussier than we think is normal (what’s normal, anyway?) or he isn’t as well-behaved as other babies, and we can’t help but question: what should we be doing differently? That frustration peaks in times of stress–like when we have a house full of out-of-town guests for weeks straight or when Finn has been crying nonstop for 45 minutes.
That part is TOUGH. It’s tough on us physically, as we do become exhausted on those days, but it’s tougher on us emotionally. The thing is, you just have never wanted to succeed as something as much as you’ll want to succeed at raising a happy, healthy, and content child. And I’m sure that will likely happen on it’s own, naturally and without our constant fretting.
But that’s the toughest part for sure. And nothing you read–or no answer anyone can give you–can adequately prepare you for it.
Even still, despite there being days when Sona swears she “can’t do this again” or days (ah hem, today) when I tell Finn that he better sleep well cause, “Momma needs to eat dinner and watch Real Housewives in peace so that I don’t murder you, tomorrow,” it’s still, mostly, WAY better than we ever could’ve anticipated.