Forget about Sleep Regressions; Let’s Talk about Marriage Regressions

9 / 26 / 179 / 27 / 17

Poor Sona. She’s going to see the title of this blog post pop up in her FB feed and think to herself, “Great, Danielle is telling everyone all of our business again.” It’s a good thing she loves me. And knows that I’m an open book. (Actually, I’m pretty sure that nothing surprises her, anymore.)

Yesterday, I posted another of the amazing family photos that we recently took on Instagram. This time, it was a photo of Sona and I. This one:

Man, I love that photo. It’s dreamy and whimsical and it paints the portrait of a perfect couple. A perfect marriage. Part of a perfect family. That’s the message all of these photos send. Isn’t that kind of the message a family portrait is supposed to portray? LOOK AT US! WE ARE PHOTOGENIC! AND HAPPY! WE FROLICK IN FIELDS OF WILDFLOWERS DURING OUR DOWN TIME! AND OUR 2 YEAR OLD COOPERATES!

I started to feel a little guilty about the message those photos were sending, especially because I’ve been really intentional about NOT curating our Insta feed too much. Our lives aren’t curated, after all. And I make no apologies about posting a lot of the ugliness too: toddler tantrums, bouts of never-ending pink eye (which I have as I type), not-so-fun days.

Still, I know that the real purpose of social media is to share a very filtered version of yourself. To create a persona. And when it comes to mommy bloggers, that persona is often one that exclaims to the world, “I can design a magazine-worthy home, while cooking a Michelin-worthy organic meal, all while teaching my cherubic toddlers Mandarin. In fashionable booties.” I’m guilty of giving in to that archetype sometimes, too. It haunts me. It calls to me from the other side of the room, taunting.

But we all know, deep down, that it’s a lie. Those perfect mommas and the perfect families and the perfect marriages. They don’t exist.

And so, in my latest Insta post, I juxtaposed an seemingly idyllic photograph with a pretty raw confession: Sona and I have had a lot of marriage struggles. Like, A LOT. And that admission seemed to resonate with a lot of other–mostly same-sex–mommas.

The truth is, for all of the cultural admonishments about how hard it is to raise a kid, there seems to be radio silence about how raising kids can dramatically change the dynamics of a marriage. I’m not writing this to scare you (but you should be a little scared).

I’ve been reflecting on this a lot, lately, as talks about one-day-maybe-sometime-in-the-future-possibly-in-a-hypothetical-world having another baby begin. As much as we want Finn to have a sibling, Sona and I have earnestly questioned whether or not our family–and our marriage–could sustain the time and energy another baby would require. It just seems like we have already over-spent our time/energy account, and I really don’t know where the additional time/energy would come from. We are maxed out. We’ve been maxed out for two years.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times Sona and I have looked at each other, eyes pleading, wondering, “Where are we going to find the time for that?” “That” = another toddler class, a play date, a visit with friends we haven’t seen in months, time for each other, time for exercise, time for self care (insert eye-roll here). You name it.

It’s a paradox that I’ll never be able to fully flesh out (but one that you’ll likely understand if you are a parent yourself): the past two years of Finn’s life have been the best of mine, but they have also been the most difficult for our marriage.

I also wonder how much of our struggles are unique to two-mom families. There’s been a lot written about the emotional toll of mothering. The unseen work–the mostly emotional/mental load–mothers bear the brunt of. I don’t think that work is divided when there are two moms; I think it is doubled. I think Sona and I both spend virtually all of our time worrying, stressing, planning, overthinking, evaluating, supporting, and rallying for our little family.

And the reality is, that leaves the worst of ourselves for each other. We give each other the leftovers. And as Sona will be the first to tell you, I don’t like leftovers.

It’s something we are working on–when we find the time. It’s something we probably need to work on harder. We’ve taken small steps: more deliberate quality time, less time staring at our iPhones, more date nights. But I also think we’ve both acknowledged the reality, which is that our marriage is going to have to remain on the back burner until Finn is a little older. And if we add another baby to the mix, our marriage will have to stay on the back burner that much longer.

Right now, we triage. We have spontaneous interventions when it seems like things are at their worst. We ebb and flow, moving between moments where we are hyper-connected and moments where we are walking on egg shells. We look at each other from across a toy-strewn room, and we try to remember that we will reclaim our time–it just won’t be anytime soon. We do what I think a lot of people do: we try to stop the bleeding with band-aids, and we hope that when we come out on the other end, and we finally have time to heal the wound, we’ve survived.

Our marriage experiences something a lot like toddler sleep regressions. We think everything is fine. We feel calm and rested. And then, out of nowhere, there are night wakings and tantrums and a lot of sleeplessness, and we take a few steps back. We are committed to riding it out, though. We love each other, and we love Finn. When things are at their ugliest, we can always still look at each other and say, “I choose you. I love you. This is where I want to be.”

It’s a conscious decision we make again and again, and that’s what makes a marriage. That’s the picture of a marriage I wish we saw more often.

Summer 2017 Family Photos

9 / 22 / 179 / 22 / 17

A couple of weeks ago, we had family photos taken by the uber talented Ashley Summers of Ashley Summers Photography. We are probably the world’s worst photography clients because: 1. Sona hates photos; 2. Finn is a typical toddler; and 3. I am a photographer, myself.

Shooting a photographer’s photos? Yeah, good luck with that.

But Ashley was so great, and we got so many pictures that I know we will love forever. She worked her butt off to get them for us, too, entertaining Finn endlessly, offering him little bribes, and making sure that he played along.

Clearly, photos are super important to me. And, as the photog in the fam, I’m rarely in them. So, getting some good family photos done once or twice a year is something I prioritize (and stress about).

Here are some of our favorites from the shoot.

Finn’s face here is like, “I’m not so sure about this.”

A photo of me and my son = priceless.

I can’t handle his cuteness.

Good gosh, OUR SON IS BEAUTIFUL.

Getting some photos of Sona and I is a bonus. We don’t have many of those, either!

By the time we were taking these, Finn was OVA IT. I mean, he was having a total fit. So, we figured we’d make the best of it and just do photos of Sona and I by ourselves. Of course, as soon as we started, Finn ran up to us and was whimpering. That’s what we see out of the corner of our eyes, here. A bag of Twizzlers dumped all over the ground. The book bag emptied. And Finn begging for attention. #momlife

I’d wanted to do more photos in the water, but the weather didn’t really cooperate. (Thanks, Chicago.) Still, I’m glad we got one with the lake and the city we love so much.

Friday Meal Planning :: What Are We Eating Next Week?

9 / 15 / 17

Fridays are, usually, my days to myself. (Except for days like today, when Finn wakes up, pukes all over me, and must stay home.) I don’t ever teach on Fridays and, while I sometimes have work-related meetings, I usually have a free calendar. I think that any working parent will tell you that having a day off while your child is lovingly cared for at daycare is an unrivaled luxury. (In fact, we’ve already decided that next year, we’ll make sure Sona’s schedule allows for one Friday together each month.)

On Fridays, I usually do a few things: enjoy a quiet breakfast to myself while catching up on some DVR’d daytime TV (like The Chew), clean the house, edit some photos from the week, and meal plan for the following week, which enables me to put together a grocery list or order groceries over the weekend. (I do more of the latter during the school year.)

I get a lot of questions–both from friends in real life and online friends–about what we are cooking, recipes, how I cook so much, etc. So, I thought it’d be fun to do a post that walks through the method to my meal-planning madness.

I should start here, though: I love food. I love to cook. This is a central part of my character, and it is a passion that I’ve fed (I crack myself up) since I was little. I think it’s important to recognize that not everyone cries over a barrel of fresh olives (something I have actually done). And it’s okay if making dinner for your family doesn’t get you all fired up. But know that, because it DOES get me all fired up, this whole meal-planning thing is a lot less burdensome.

Because weekdays are crazy busy for us, and we often buzz like drugged-up bees until Finn’s bedtime, it is absolutely essential that we have a game-plan for dinner. If I haven’t already decided what to cook–and purchased the stuff necessary to cook it–we will end up ordering take-out, which is never as yummy as we expect it to be and which is much more expensive. That hardly ever happens, anymore.

When trying to figure out what to cook the following week, here are the questions I ask myself:

What’s next week’s schedule like? For instance, I know that I have a work meeting this coming Monday, and I likely won’t be home until 5:00. So, I’m going to need a quick meal. On Tuesday, Finn has swim lessons from 5:30-6:00. He’s STARVING by the time he is done. For several weeks, we’ve been going out to eat afterwards, but we are kind of sick of eating junk and spending money on junk. That means, on Tuesday, I need to make something before swim–something that I can easily feed him in the car and that will stay good long enough for Sona and I to eat after we put him to bed.

What recipes did I flag during the week? I follow A LOT of food bloggers. My favorites are What’s Gaby Cooking?, How Sweet Eats, Half Baked Harvest, Smitten Kitchen, and Pinch of Yum. They’re all on social media: Insta, FB, Twitter, etc. So, throughout the week, I usually come across 2-3 recipes that spark my interest, and I just flag them. On Fridays, I look back on the stuff I pinned on Pinterest or saved on Instagram, and I add a couple to my must-cook list.

What’s something easy? Something fast? Something basic (roasted chicken and green beans)? Something healthy? Something meat-free? Something a little exotic? Variety is key.

What do I have in the fridge or pantry that I need to use up? I used to SUCK at this, and we’d have 27 cans of garbanzo beans in the pantry. I’ve been really good at using up stuff we have on-hand, lately.

What’s in season? I plan for farmers markets in summer and fall, as we usually go once or twice a week. If I know that I want to buy some fresh corn, I plan a meal that will incorporate that ingredient.

Considering all of those questions, here is the meal plan for this coming week:

SUNDAY: breakfast–burrito bowls (everything in a typical breakfast burrito, minus the tortilla); dinner–matzo ball soup (we’ve entered soup-every-Sunday season)

MONDAY: this fish dish, but we may use a white fish instead of salmon, depending on what looks good at the market, green beans, cous cous

TUESDAY: penne with fresh corn, zucchini, basil, and parmesan–inspired by a pasta dish they made on The Chew this week

WEDNESDAY: quick chicken parmesan (will make the marinara on Sunday) with zucchini noodles

THURSDAY: this summertime curry recipe over sweet potato noodles (I just got a spiralizer, and I want to play with it a bit next week, obviously)

FRIDAY: homemade pizza (our usual)

(Almost) 365 Days of DSLR Photos :: Project Complete!

9 / 14 / 17

A little over a year ago (or a little more than that, if I’m being honest), I set myself a goal: I was going to take a “good” photo of Finn, using my DSLR camera, every single day for a year. Even as a pro photog, I found myself relying mostly on my iPhone for photos of our little life, and I knew that, one day, I’d regret not having higher-quality captures of our memories.

Here’s the first shot:

And the last:

KILL ME NOW.

Here were my original “rules” for the project:

Don’t be a perfectionist. Every single photo isn’t going to be a masterpiece. Yes, I do covet all of those photo-perfect, carefully-curated social media feeds I follow. BUT THOSE MOMS MANAGE THOSE ACCOUNTS LIKE IT’S THEIR JOB. In fact, it is their job. And I already have one. So, I don’t want to get bogged down in my own perfectionism. This is about capturing Finn’s life–not about creating magazine-ready photos that are the envy of every Instagram mom out there. (Sidenote: I had to talk myself out of re-shooting today’s photo. This one may be tricky for me.)
Let Sona take the photo, sometimes. One of my goals for this project is to capture our lives as a family, and I am part of that family. I’m always behind the camera. We have tons of photos of Sona and Finn together but very few with him and I. I hope to get some keepers over the next year.
Accept the photographic realities/limitations of our lives. We live in a garden apartment, currently, and we get about 27 minutes of good photographic light a day. That’s just the reality. The lighting conditions in our home SUCK. (Loads of natural light is one of my must-haves as we search for a place to buy, btw.) We also sometimes have a messy house. And our cats have ripped our couch to shreds. And, sometimes, there will be piles of unemptied grocery bags in the background. That’s okay. Again, it’s not about perfection; it’s about reality.
Don’t stage photos. Don’t prop Finn up like a doll, teasing him into the perfect, cherubic pose. Those photos can happen, too, but they just aren’t part of this project. My goal is to capture candids–and not staged moments.
Aim for variety. Shoot during all times of the day. Capture the morning. Capture bath time. Capture tantrums. Capture everything, especially the stuff I wouldn’t capture, normally.
Take my camera out of the house. It’s currently 15 degrees in Chicago, and I don’t see myself taking many outdoor photos in the very near future, but I do hope to, eventually. As we get out and about, I want the photos to reflect that.
Don’t let this challenge stress me out. This is supposed to be fun; it’s not supposed to feel like another burdensome responsibility. Keep things in perspective.

Well, today, I posted the last photo on Instagram, and it is more than a little bittersweet. I mean, I’m not so sad that the project is over because, well, it sometimes felt cumbersome. But when I look back at this year+ of photos, seeing how much Finn has changed and how many tiny, magical moments we’ve shared with him is enough to knock me flat.

And here’s the truth: 90% of these moments would likely have been forgotten had I not made the conscious decision to capture them through this project.

(Side note: As I was working on this post, a BOLOGNA commercial came on with a your-kids-grow-up-too-quickly theme, and I started sobbing.)

I learned a lot from this little photo project. I learned that sometimes I should be the momma who is a photographer and not the photographer who is a momma. That is, my primary goal for photographing our lives should be to preserve memories–not to take editorial-quality images like I try to create for my clients. I learned that I need to get in front of the camera more often. Finn will look back at these photos one day, and I want him to know I was there with him–not just behind the lens. I learned that small, quiet moments are just as special as exotic vacations and special outings. I learned that I want to remember the tantrums and bad days and midnight popsicles in bed when we all have a stomach virus just as much as all of the good stuff. I learned that Finn has a million different expressions–ones that most people wouldn’t notice–but ones that Sona and I hope to never forget. I learned that having my DSLR camera out and accessible means that I’m much more likely to reach for it. I learned that it is ALWAYS worth it to lug the big, heavy camera around–to the beach, to the park, to the bathroom during potty breaks.

I don’t know that I’ll repeat this same project any time soon, but I can tell you that in the month or so since it has ended, I’ve hardly taken any photos of Finn that aren’t on my iPhone. So, I’m going to have to continue to challenge myself to preserve memories in a valuable way. Because, if I’m being honest, the only thing I do regret is not taking even more photos.

These photos have seen the purchase of our first home. Crawling and then stumbling and then walking. Turning one and turning two. A very bumpy first year full of ear infections and teething and tired mommas. Four countries. A first trick-or-treating adventure. A magical Christmas. Swimming. Running. Being naughty. A gazillion parks. Lots of eating. A little bit of crying. So many giggles. And all of Finn’s favorite people.

Let’s take a look back:

Ikea Hacking a Train Table

9 / 7 / 179 / 7 / 17

Last week, I posted about Finn’s 2nd birthday. His big surprise was a homemade train table, which I was beyond excited to give him. I’m not generally a crafter. I mean, I love to create–I write, I take photos, I cook. But, as much as I love spending hours roaming the aisles at craft stores, imagining what I could do with feathers and wooden cut-outs and puffy paint, craft projects aren’t really in my wheelhouse. I just don’t have the patience for them.

Yet, when we decided pretty early on that we wanted to give Finn a train table for his birthday, I became adamant that I wanted to make it for him myself. There were a few reasons why I wanted to take the (relatively easy) project on: 1. After looking at all of the well-rated train tables available on the market, I was totally put off by how ugly they were. I know this sounds so petty, but we love our little home, take pride in how it looks, and are pretty design-conscious. So, having some factory-issued, laminate play table right in the center of our family room was really unappealing. 2. The marketed ones were also really large and bulky, and the space we had in mind for the table required one that was much more streamlined. 3. I wanted it to have some sentimental value. I knew Finn wouldn’t care whether he had a gleaming store-bought version or a hacked Momma-made table. So, I opted for the latter.

Since I’m about as experienced at building furniture as I am at running marathons–which is to say, not at all–I knew I needed to start with a solid base. Of course, IKEA came through for me! I found the LACK coffee table online, and I’d seen it hacked for several different projects. It was the right size, was only $24.99, and was a great blank slate. So, I drove out to the ‘burbs and picked one up. (Note: this coffee table comes in two sizes. We got the smaller of the two.)

Luckily, unlike most IKEA furniture, the table was pretty easy to put together. I started by screwing together everything except for the shelf, as I figured it’d be easier to paint it all without the shelf attached.

First, I had to sand the heck out of the thing. Again, like most stuff from IKEA, the table isn’t solid wood. It’s MDF, covered in laminate, and the surface wouldn’t have been receptive to paint had I not sanded it quite a bit.

I chose to go with a spray chalk paint. If I did this project again, I’d either go with a brushable chalk paint or a more forgiving spray paint. I think I’d get a smoother surface that way.

I did start with a spray primer. Again, I wish I would’ve bought something that could’ve been applied with a brush. You live and you learn. Still, a primer that is specifically intended for laminate surfaces is absolutely necessary.

After two coats of primer, I spent a few days applying several thin coats of the chalk paint. This is the one I chose, though. It took three cans and a few days to finish this step. Impatient Me struggled with that wait time a bit.

The next step was to figure out the layout for the tracks and map out how I’d paint the landscape on top. One of the other reasons we wanted to make a relatively inexpensive table is so that we could instead invest in high-quality tracks and accessories. We went with BRIO, which really is the best, and I had a little too much fun figuring out which accessories to order and which configurations would maximize the table space. I also sourced a few things for cheap on eBay–like the trees and signs, which are really difficult to find without having to purchase a full set.

Sona and I spent an hour one evening laying the tracks out, and then I made the biggest error–a rookie error–in the project: I outlined it all in pen. I couldn’t find a pencil and was being lazy. “I’ll just paint over it, anyway, I thought.”

Important Fact of the Day: most pens use oil-based ink. Paint cannot cover oil. No matter how many coats of paint–and, eventually, more primer–you put over pen marks, they will still show through.

This little mishap cost me a new can of oil-specific primer, a couple of extra days worth of painting, and a few tears. For what it’s worth, I’ve read that pencil lines can have the same effect. So, choose a paint-friendly pencil to outline.

Anyway, I did eventually get it worked out, and I painted the table using four colors of acrylic craft paint: green, light green, blue, and grey. I also used a Sharpie paint pen for the dashes on the roadways.

We made the decision not to glue/nail down the tracks, as we have lots more and want Finn to be able to change it up as time goes on. We’ve already shifted things around a bit, actually. Even still, the painted landscape is really what makes the table feel special, and it was the part I had the most fun doing.

After the landscape dried, I did three coats of polyacrylic sealer on the whole table, screwed on the bottom shelf, and added a couple of baskets–one with extra tracks and one with trains. (If you follow us on Insta, you know that I hit the jackpot, scoring around 60 high-quality trains for like $50 in an online sale. Now that I know the trains run $15-$25 each, I realize how lucky we got.)

Also, in the category of “things I never would have known before having kids,” BRIO tracks are compatible with most trains, including the larger, wooden Thomas the Train ones. The only trains that don’t work are the smaller, metal die-cast Thomas trains, which only work with Thomas tracks.

Here is the resulting table:

Of course, it isn’t perfect. You can still KINDA see a few pen marks on top, I could’ve put an extra coat of paint on the bottom shelf, and the edges of the landscape are a little uneven, but Finn LOVES it. He has literally played with it every single day since we gave it to him, and he doesn’t really care about the imperfections, which is really all that matters.